Infidelity: Difference Between a Rage and Revenge Affair – by: Dr. Robert Huizenga

The fifth affair I outline in my book, “Break Free From The Affair” is called: “I Want to Get Back at Him/Her.” This is the revenge affair.

It occurs in a marriage in which one feels slighted in some manner and seeks revenge by engaging in infidelity. It is less a movement toward the other person and more a movement away from one’s spouse.

Key Points:

1. The affair may be a direct response to the affair of the spouse. “I’ll show you! Take this! I want you to hurt as much as I hurt.” Or the affair may be revenge for some other form of cut-off or perceived emotional injury: “I’m not getting enough here, so I’ll show you!” Or, “There, I got your attention!”

2. This typically occurs in a marriage where effective personal confrontation does not happen or happens ineffectively. There is a mistrust of expressing one’s self fully to the other person. The marriage relationship usually is marked by civility, but the two, in essence, do not know each other very well. They are polite, but there is no fire. They may want more, but are not sure how to get more.

3. The fire that does exist is a smoldering tension under the surface of the marriage. The tension may be the result of the frustration that one or both experience when they believe their needs are not being met. There is a genuine desire for more – from the spouse – but it’s not happening.

4. This form of revenge affair serves as a wake-up call for the relationship. If, and I use the word if advisedly, the couple can “get it out” – drain off the tension – and begin talking about needs, yes, the relationship stands a very good chance of turning into something wonderful. One or both must say with a great deal of passion, “I REALLY want you! I no longer will settle for the boiling frustration and seeming indifference to my needs. This is what I need and expect…..”

5. There is another kind of revenge affair that holds less hope and is more destructive. A revenge affair may be the result of long-standing and unresolved anger or rage toward the opposite sex. There is a persistent pattern of the person pushing others away with rage or anger. There also is a great deal of projection, or this person blaming others for his/her situation.

6. This form of anger is more rage than frustration. The rage emerges from a desire to hurt rather than from the frustration of needs not being met. This person exhibits little concern, as well, for the other person. Whereas someone more frustrated because they want their needs met, is usually more considerate of the other person.

Tip: Begin to make distinctions between rage and frustration. Determine the type of revenge affair you must face. If it is rage, learn to protect yourself and set boundaries. Begin to take exceptional care of yourself. Begin to say no! If it is an affair of frustration, begin looking at your needs. Identify and express those needs. Take a risk. Turn up the passion button. Dare to engage about needs, both yours and the others.

About The Author Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity. Visit his website at: http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com.

Sexually Addicted? 10 Important Questions to Ask – by: Dr. Robert Huizenga

There are many things in our culture that grab us and won’t let go. Sometimes sex is one of them. Perhaps that’s the case for you or your spouse/partner.

Sexual addiction plays a prominent role in the “I Can’t Say No” kind of extramarital affair I outline in my E-book, “Break Free From the Affair.”

These questions are intended to help you be more aware of some behaviors that perhaps indicate that sex has a hold on you. If you answer yes to three or more questions it probably is wise to take a closer look at the place of sex in your life.

1) Do I have sex at inappropriate times, inappropriate places and/or with the wrong people?

2) Do I make promises to myself or rules for myself concerning my sexual behavior that I find I cannot follow?

3) Have I lost count of the number of sexual partners I’ve had in the past 3 years?

4) Do I have sex regardless of the consequences (e.g. the threat of being caught, the risk of contracting herpes, gonorrhea, AIDS, etc.)?

5) Do I feel uncomfortable about my masturbation, the fantasies I engage in, the props I use, and/or the places in which I do it?

6) Do I feel jaded, exhausted, cynical? Am I on the path to that?

7) Do I feel that my life is unmanageable because of my sexual behavior?

Do I have sex as a way to deal with or escape from life’s problems? DoI feel entitled to sex? Do I feel as though I have earned sex?

9) Do I have a serious relationship threatened or destroyed because of outside sexual activity on my part?

10) Do I feel that my sexual life affects my spiritual life in a negative way?

For more information on sexual addiction and infidelity, visit my site.

About The Author Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity. Visit his website at: http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com.

Infidelity: Spying is NOT Revenge – by: Dr. Robert Huizenga

Do not use what you find on your cheating spouse as ammunition for revenge. Sure, you may have wonderfully violent fantasies of what you would really like to do to him/her and the other person. This is very normal. But, don’t act them out.

Using what you find to extract revenge will only lengthen the time of pain and anger. It will undermine your integrity as a person, lower your personal standards and make you exceedingly unattractive.

Resist the temptation to sling the mud!

Keep what you find to yourself.

The obvious signs of a cheating spouse disturbed you. You spy because the truth will set YOU free. The quickest cleanest way to break free from the extramarital affair is to set your focus on you as you navigate your way through the difficult weeks and months.

The sooner the two of you can face each other, without outside input or influence, the better off you and the relationship will be.

There usually is no reason to share new found information about cheating husbands or cheating wives with family, friends, children or the spouse of the other person. A concern about sexually transmitted diseases or health risks might be an exception. If it is important to share such information, do so without much fanfare or drama.

And of course, if you pursue legal action, any information obtained through spying might be helpful to your attorney. Some “evidence” does carry weight in particular states or districts.

About The Author Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity. Visit his website at: http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com.

Emotional Infidelity: A KEY Tactic to Save the Marriage – by: Dr. Robert Huizenga

Hearing that your cheating spouse is “in love” with someone else is devastating. I hear often, “I can handle her having sex with someone else. I think I can live with that. But, for her to give herself emotionally and “love” someone else…man, that is hard.” (Feel free to substitute the word he for she in this article.)

What can you specifically do to increase the odds of saving the marriage?

So often the offended spouse reacts with intense feelings and pulls out all stops to “win her back.”

He applies pressure. Begs. Cajoles. Makes promises. Gets in her face. Sends flowers. Arranges for dates. Talks to her family and friends. Calls her on the phone. Asks questions… daily, sometimes hourly. He is on her like a fly on doo-doo.

It doesn’t work.Why? Well, for one reason she has found all the stimulation and excitement she supposedly needs in her new found “love.”

At a deeper level this is confusing enough for the cheating husband or cheating wife. Any additional input will be overwhelming and she is liable to close the door on the marriage even further. Plus, she is really looking for some stability, some solid centered core that will hold her firm when the wind of drama entices her and blows around her.

If you bombard her with your neediness, you are certainly not the person who can help her in ways she really seeks.

She also is liable to create a polarity and begin comparing you to him. With your neediness dripping all over you, you don’t stand a very good chance of coming out on top. Sorry!

Here’s a tactic that helps solve the dilemma and gives you a greater chance of saving the marriage.It’s called “back off!”

Stop pressing. Slow down the pace. Be silent – most of the time. Stop making requests. Stop asking questions. Stop trying to wiggle out some assurance. Stop being a pain!

Remember, this “in love” state will fade. You need to have the confidence that it will. You need patience. The relationship will run its course.

She needs the space. She needs some quiet moments to truly hear herself and face the emptiness within. There will be a voice within her that says, “This will not last. Is this what I really want? At some time I must live in the real world. Where is this taking me? Is this where I really want to go? Why am I so dependent on him? Why do I feel this empty pit in my stomach when I’m not with him? What does this say about me?”

This is her opportunity to learn about TRUE love. Don’t get in her way.

I know. I know. This is easier said than done. But, you must do it. It is vitally important that you learn to quiet yourself, control yourself and keep on the straight and narrow path.

At this point with those I coach, I teach them a skill called “charging neutral” to help “back off.” Use that skill.This will take some effort. It might take some coaching or therapy. It most likely will demand that you get to know yourself better, that you gain more confidence in you – apart from what she does with him – that you build a strong foundation under yourself that can weather any storm.

This is your opportunity to grow to another level.

Oh, by the way. She will notice! And….she might like it.

Backing off does not mean that you don’t have anything to do with her. Quite the contrary. You want to maintain your contact with her, but it will be QUALITY contact. It will be contact that does honor to you, confronts her with the reality of her decisions and works toward resolution for the marriage.

Summary: Less often means more when facing emotional infidelity. Learning a specific skill such as “backing off” enhances one’s chance to save the marriage.

About The Author Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity. Visit his website at: http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com.

Infidelity Discovered? 10 Ways to Calm Your Powerful Feelings – by: Dr. Robert Huizenga

When you find out about the affair, the first few hours, days and weeks can be emotionally wrenching to say the least. Or, if someone you deeply care about begins “pulling away” you may also experience intense feelings. Read through this list and pick out a couple things you can do to help yourself during these times.

1. Walk. Run, if you are fit enough to run. Work out. Get the blood flowing. Physical exercise drains off the adrenaline and physically you feel better. You also think better of yourself because you are caring for you.

2. Talk. If you typically handle problems by talking them out, find someone who will listen as you pour out your heart. Give them explicit instructions: “I need to talk, vent, cry, rage, and question. Just look me in the eye, nod your head and listen.”

3. Write. Get a kitchen timer. Set it for 5 minutes. Spend that time writing…anything, everything that comes to your mind. Don’t censor. When the bell goes off say to yourself, “OK, there it is. Now I need to get on to other things. I will come back later and write more.” Put the writing in a safe place or destroy it.

4. Find a safe place and spend some time there. Do you have a favorite lake, wooded area, park, room, chair where you feel safe and can “get away.” Intentionally spend some time there.

5. Use good “self talk.” Tell yourself, “You are ok. You will be ok. This too shall pass. What you are feeling is normal and will not destroy you.” Develop that “observing part” that can speak to your turmoil.

6. Pray. Meditate. Use your spiritual resources, if you have them. If you don’t have them, it can be a good time to develop them. Spirituality often affirms your worth and enables you to see the larger picture.

7. Be aware. Notice what you are thinking, how you are feeling and what you are doing. Pay close attention to these chunks of your life. Just noticing often creates distance from the emotional pain.

8. Encourage the rhythm of your feelings. Your feelings will come and go, often as in waves. There will be lulls and sometimes they crash. Notice the intensity and frequency of the waves.

9. Get professional help. Supportive therapy might be helpful. Personal and professional coaching, often via telephone, is a helpful phenomenon that is increasingly popular as a way to find support and direction for specific problems.

10. Gather resources. Start reading, exploring the internet and talking to people about your situation. Believe me, you are not alone. Many people have walked your path (well, not exactly your path, but close) and are there to offer their understanding and point out the bends and turns of your road.

About The Author Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity. Visit his website at: http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com.

Cheating Spouse: 7 Legitimate Motives for Spying – by: Dr. Robert Huizenga

Should you spy on your cheating husband or wife? You believe you see signs of a cheating spouse. The need to know whether your spouse is cheating and EXACTLY what kind of cheating is taking place is often strong. There are a number of reasons why the drive to spy is powerful. Here are seven:

1. Trust is a big reason, not of your partner, but yourself. Probably for some time you have sensed something is different or questioned the change of behavior in your partner. Perhaps you confronted your cheating husband or cheating wife and it was met with denial. This created a huge dilemma for you because a part of you was screaming, Hey, this doesn’t fit! I don’t believe it! To deny this part of you, which KNOWS the truth, creates a tremendous internal turmoil. If the truth as you suspect it is confirmed, you can take a deep breath and at least know that you can trust yourself. You are NOT CRAZY! Spying is a way to confirm your suspicions and trust more fully your gut feelings.

2. Spying on cheating husbands or cheating wives often helps the person feel connected to the partner who seems to be steadily moving away. It is a way of maintaining contact and having some sort of connection to this stranger who once was well known. Isn’t it like the game of hide-and-seek we used to play as children? Sometimes there, sometimes gone. At least it is a game, and a game is at least some contact, some involvement. You miss the connection and try to find someway to maintain the ties.

3. Spying on a cheating spouse may be an honest attempt to bring resolution to the relationship. You want to know the truth. You sense something does not fit. You suspect there is a breach of something. You want to know what you are up against. You are not willing to stand pat and wait. You are a person of action. You want some sort of movement. You want to get on with the relationship. You want to get on with your life. You know that it is difficult maintaining your sanity when there might be this huge elephant that no one is talking about. You want to know the truth, face the truth, deal with the truth and be free.

4. Cheating husbands or cheating wives often, unfortunately, lead to the demise of marital relationships. If you strongly suspect this to be true for your situation you will want to protect yourself legally. If there is betrayal, lying and deception regarding a third party, other forms of deception may exist financially or in other areas of the relationship. Having “evidence” does have some impact in some court systems. Whether you need to protect yourself legally depends on the kind of affair facing you and the character of your spouse. Please read through my “7 Reasons For an Affair” to determine the situation that faces you. If your spouse is someone who can’t say no, doesn’t want to say no or is acting out rage, please make sure to take protective steps.

5. You may want to protect yourself medically if you suspect you have a cheating husband or wife. You might be concerned about sexually transmitted diseases. Your health may be at stake. And, of course, you need to know. Shame, guilt or self-absorption may be so powerful in your partner that it gets in the way of responsibly informing you of the medical dangers when another partner is sexually brought into your relationship.

6. Seeing signs of a cheating spouse often mean secrets. Secrets are work! There is not much written about the impact of a secret in a relationship, but believe me, in over two decades of working with strained relationships day in and day out, keeping a secret has a powerful impact. It is the proverbial elephant sitting in the room that no one dare talk about. People take extraordinary measures to tip toe around it, but it IS there. Emotionally, you can’t miss it. Secrets are a drain. If the secret persists, its impact is felt in subtle but insidious ways. People become physically ill, sometimes seriously so. People become depressed. People start doing crazy things. Children start acting out, stop achieving, become listless or exhibit a host of other symptoms. Children, or the next generation, often carry the emotional load. You want to spy because you don’t want to live with a secret. You want to discover the truth. You want to feel the freeing power of the exposed secret and the opportunity it offers for healing, resolution, a rich relationship and a productive life.

7. Some of us like drama. Soap opera scenarios and adrenaline based lives are a hallmark of our society. We get juiced or pumped up entering into emotional relational triangles that offer intrigue. Without adrenaline, life seems boring or mundane. Perhaps an unspoken reason for an affair may be to fan the fire? Or, you may spy on your cheating spouse to keep the sense of being alive a part of your life.

About The Author Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity. Visit his website at: http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com.

Infidelity: How “My Marriage Made Me Do It” is a Cop-out – by: Dr. Robert Huizenga

Ask someone why they had, or are having an affair and you may hear something like this: “I have a lousy marriage. My marriage is dead. There is no intimacy, no sex, and no excitement. The love is gone. We’ve grown apart. I can’t stand the marriage. There was nothing happening in the marriage and the affair just happened.”

These statements are rationalizations and fail to “get at” the underlying issues.

Key points:

1. It’s as if a marriage is an animal gone bad. A marriage does not have a life of it’s own. In reality, there is no such thing as a “marriage.” One is “married” as a result of making some promises and signing a paper at one point. After the paper is signed, two people continue communicating and acting toward one another in particular ways that they hope will help them get what they individually want. Just as there is no “marriage,” there is no such thing as a “relationship.” There are, however, ways of relating for which each person is responsible. Remember the comedian Flip Wilson (that dates me) and his “The devil made me do it” skit?

2. We idealize “marriage” or “romantic relationships” with the expectation we will get what we want, without much effort to boot. The movies, popular public press and romance novels/stories don’t help much here. A “marriage” is behind the eight ball from the word go. “IT” can’t win.

3. From day one most of us don’t have a clue about how to get, build, nurture and maintain healthy and intimate ways of relating. We need ‘love 101’ and it’s not there. We rely upon experimentation or bad models.

4. If the “marriage” is dead, why in the world would one choose to have an affair? Talk about jumping from the frying pan into the fire. It really is stupid. You add a whole layer of deceit and shame that eventually will result in consequences more dire than approaching your spouse and saying, “I’m really unhappy. What I’m doing with you obviously is not working. I want out.” Oh well, maybe some people need more problems and suffering.

5. If the “marriage” is bad, obviously, I don’t have to look at me. I can blame “it” or the other. Some of us find it difficult to look at me. Some of us don’t know how to look at me. Some of us never think of looking at me.

Tip: If your partner/spouse is having and affair and blames it on the “marriage,” don’t buy into it. The “marriage” is not the problem. You are not the problem. Your spouse/partner chose the affair out of ignorance, fear or inadequacy.

The “My Marriage Made Me Do It” is just one of 7 affairs outlined in my E-book, “Break Free From the Affair.” For more information on the issues behind the other kinds of affairs and tips for dealing with them, visit my site.

About The Author Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity. Visit his website at: http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com.

Extramarital Affairs: When Sexual Addiction and Infidelity Meet – by: Dr. Robert Huizenga

One kind of extramarital affair revolves around sexual addiction. The partner involved in the affair, plain and simple, has a difficult time saying “NO.” He/she may want to, but feels compelled to say “yes.”

People can’t say no? Well, I believe we all have the capacity, at some level, to say no. However, not all have developed that capacity or reached that level to firmly say no and mean it.

Some are “stuck” and seem to lack the ability to consistently act on the “no.” Please remember that all of us are “grabbed” by something and find it difficult to let go. Infidelity when connected to sexual addiction and its many forms, however, becomes a powerful focal point.

How to know if infidelity is attached to sexual addiction:

1. Sex takes on an inflated role or value. Sex, sexual conquest, sexual release becomes a powerful force. Acting on the sexual impulse is a frequent activity. Thinking about sex likewise consumes an inordinate amount of time. Multiple ways of acting out sexually (porn, strip clubs, multiple sex partners, etc.) are common.

2. This activity is bound by fear. The person lives with fear: the fear of getting caught, the fear of consequences, the fear of “being found out,” the fear of being abnormal, the fear of being punished, and the fear of losing family, spouse, job and respect.

3. A promise/failure cycle ebbs and flows with the inability to say no. After an “acting out” episode the person usually experiences guilt/fear and promises to self or others, “I won’t do it again.” This will last…until the “urge” is acted upon again. The spouse may be aware or unaware (but sense that something is not “right”) of the “roller coaster” and succession of broken promises.

4. Others are used or seen as objects for personal gratification. No true intimacy is developed.

5. Sexuality is often confused with other needs or connected to unresolved past pain or trauma. A child who experiences confusion around sexuality or sexual abuse of one form or another, may carry along that confusion and attempt to “work that through” in a marriage or extramarital affairs. (I worked with one woman who “used” a one-night fling with a significant person to “clear up” a particular issue.) She was free of that “urge” from that point on. No one ever knew. Could she have chosen a different way? Maybe.

6. Such a person lives in a distorted world. They come to see the world and relationship through the eyes of their “addiction.” They have a great capacity to rationalize their behavior, deceive others and may lead a “dual” life.

Tip: If you suspect these characteristics fit you or someone you love, get some help before your world disintegrates further or falls apart. Life can be different. Life, sexuality, a truly intimate relationship IS different. You can get there. You are stuck, and need some true love, care and guidance to arrive at the next level.

If you are interested in learning about the 6 other forms of infidelity I outline in my book, “Break Free From the Affair,” visit my website.

About The Author Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity. Visit his website at: http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com.

Infidelity Excuse: I Fell Out of Love…and just love being in love – by: Dr. Robert Huizenga

I find this dilemma rather common for younger couples, probably mid or late 30s and younger.

Usually one reports, “falling out of love” and is truly disturbed by this shift. He/she (and this is not merely a female problem!) wants to “recapture” those feelings.

This person has found a “significant other” who has stirred those dormant feelings and this person once again “feels in love.”

They are determined not to “settle” for a less than an ideal relationship, which means, of course, feeling the love feelings.

Here are some Key Points for this kind of affair. (The 6 others are outlined in my E-book.)

1. Unfortunately, our culture (movies, songs, romance novels, soap operas, romance comedies) teaches us that this is how it’s supposed to be. “Falling in love” is the norm – the implication being, that if it doesn’t happen, or if it goes away, something is wrong – with you, your spouse or the marriage. A good relationship must first unlearn a great deal.

2. The person who was driven to find “that loving feeling” (reminds me of a song…) usually experiences a high degree of guilt and conflict. He/she is often married to a “good” person and the desire to “find that loving feeling” seems selfish (which it is) and immature (which it is). Intuitively (and this person usually has a great deal of intuition and sensitivity) it is known at another level that he/she is not on the right path.

3. This person usually has a need for drama and excitement. Life easily becomes a soap opera. Emotional juice from the fall-out of emotionally intense relationships reigns rather than living life from the core of who one is.

4. There is little understanding, or perhaps healthy models, of the shifts needed as a relationship matures. For example, “falling out of love” usually happens when the attractors become the distracters. For example: His love for fun and spontaneity, which drew her initially to him, becomes irresponsibility. Her stability and calm, which drew him initially to her, become control.

5. The person “looking for love” is actually looking for the ideal, someone out there, who will project back to him/her that he/she is OK. No, more than OK, close to perfect.

6. This person needs to be adored, or think another adores him/her, because there is a lack of inner strength and solid identity. The other becomes my world, because I lack a world. Being “in love” is the panacea for my emptiness.

7. Sexual intercourse does not need to be a part of these relationships. Sexual activity may indeed END the relationship or at least move it to the point where the attractors become, again, the distracters. The idealized images may be held together by long phone calls, gifts, holding, love letters, e-mails, etc.

8. This type of affair often occurs when there is a “lull” in the marriage relationship. The responsibility of raising children, starting and maintaining a career, paying bills, etc. become the focal point for the couple. Romance becomes a foreign word. People are especially vulnerable for this type of affair after the children are in school and/or the oldest child reaches early adolescence. (There are good reasons for this, from a family systems perspective, but I won’t get into that here.)

Tip: If your spouse is struggling with this type of relationship, make sure you hold and care for your self. Your spouse does not have the capacity to do this for you (or anyone) at this point. Yes, you are ok. Her/his affair says less about you and much more about the emptiness within her/him. It is time for you to know you better. Model for him/her what it means to be a person with a core, with integrity, with boundaries, with values, with meaning, with purpose and actively figure out what your needs are, and get them met. Maybe she will ask questions. Maybe she will not. Maybe soon. Maybe later.

For more information on the different kinds of affairs, what causes them, the probabilities of them ending a marriage and what you can do about it, visit my site.

About The Author Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity. Visit his website at: http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com.

Adultery as Sexual Addiction: Should You Stay Married? – by: Dr. Robert Huizenga

I outline 7 kinds of affairs in my E-book, “Break Free From the Affair.” One affair, “I Can’t Say NO!” is characterized by addictive tendencies. Infidelity (as well as pornography, strip clubs, online chatting, compulsive masturbation, etc.) may be a part of the sexual addiction.

Often the spouse or partner of a sexually addicted person intuitively knows of the addiction and the struggle his/her partner has with the behavior.

The partner often “feels for” his/her partner and is in a great quandary about staying in the marriage or leaving the marriage.

If you are a person facing this dilemma or know of someone who is, here are some pointed questions to help move more quickly through the decision making process:

1. Do you really want to save the marriage or are you just plain worn out? Does it seem that it would be much easier to just put up and tolerate the crazy kind of behavior you bump into with him? Are you emotionally fried and think of confronting him with your feelings and thoughts of ending the marriage as jumping into more emotional turmoil?

2. Do you really want to save the marriage or do you think you should hang in there for religious, moral or other “should” reasons? Most spouses who partner with those who can’t say no are very conscientious people. Is that you? Do you want to do the right thing? Are you willing to continue feeling the humiliation and facing the dangers because you believe you should stay in the marriage? Do convictions rather than practical and personal concerns dictate your decisions?

3. Do you really want to save the marriage or do you believe you should stay to protect the children? Do you think you are the only spouse who can care for the children? (You may be.) Or maybe your spouse cares deeply for the children and is a good parent. (That may be also.) Do you think that ending the marriage would make life immeasurably worse for your children? Do you fear for their welfare if you confront his behavior?

4. Do you really want to save the marriage or do you see absolutely no way out and are resigned to this marriage? You may experience a powerful pervasive feeling of being stuck. You may believe that you have tried everything and that it is in the best interest of everyone to stay where you are. Couple your weariness with your sense of being stuck and you may tolerate a great deal of disappointment and pain for the sake of the marriage.

5. Do you really want to save the marriage or do you see yourself as incapable of getting out? Your self-esteem may be at rock bottom. You may think of yourself as incapable of starting over, incapable of starting a new relationship, incapable of making the transition to a new life and incapable of making decisions on your own. It is not unusual for the spouse of someone who can’t say no to lose her sense of dignity and self-respect as he attempts to control, intimidate and dictate.

6. Do you really want to save the marriage or do you need to protect him? Do you see beyond what is there to him basic emptiness and fear? It’s there and you know it? Perhaps you fear what might happen to him if you do indeed leave? Will he be able to cope? What destructive path might he take next? So you hang in there, aware of his underlying pain and hope some day it will be addressed.

7. Do you really want to save the marriage or do you live in the fear that if you talk about leaving you will face danger? Perhaps you might face violence? You might face the emotional game playing at a new level of intensity? Does it seem wiser to hold back, not confront, not move toward change for fear of what he might say or do? Do you sometimes feel frozen with fear?

8. Do you really want to save the marriage or have you given no thought to how you might start over? This is a little different than the fear of starting over. Perhaps your life has been so wrapped around his or the care of your children that you have given little, if any, thought to you. Have you thought of your desires, your skills, your dreams, your hopes and your future apart from him? Or, apart from your children?

Take some time to seriously and thoughtfully address these questions. Once you do, you may experience a new found freedom to act and move in new ways.

About The Author Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity. Visit his website at: http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com.

Relationship Crisis: 6 Reasons to Get Physically Fit – by: Dr. Robert Huizenga

Relationship crises (break-up, affair, huge conflict, children problems) demand tremendous energy and often throw our lives off a healthy track – which further perpetuates our inability to respond in a healthy way to the crisis.

Don’t forget your body while you wrestle with a relationship or marital crisis.

It is easy to let yourself go. It is easy to postpone – I will start tomorrow – your walking, running or workout. Your preoccupation with the other person floods your life, leaving little room for anything else. Or, you find yourself so overwrought that it seems impossible to “talk yourself” into getting started.

But, exercise and nutrition are powerful tools to help yourself at this point. Here are 6 reasons why:

1. Exercise and attention to your nutrition shift your focus to you. Exclusive focus on the other person atrophies your spirit, your energy, productivity, your healthy emotions and your body. You fade. You diminish. You become less than you truly are. So much of my work with others is helping them begin to think about themselves and take action for themselves. This is a major move. And it can begin by focusing on your body. It is the best, most practical place to begin. Your body is basic. It is a huge part of you. Begin paying attention to it.

2. Focusing on the body, using it, stimulating it, making it stretch and sweat is a great way to reduce stress. I’m not an expert here, but I understand it kicks in healthy body chemicals and cleanses some of the toxins – calming your mind, heart and soul.

3. Your confidence grows as you begin to manage your body and see changes in its endurance, strength and beauty. You begin to think better thoughts about yourself. Self-care can result in a minor miracle in terms of your perception of yourself.

4. You will begin to think of yourself as more desirable and sexy. Your sense of sexiness may be at risk. It may be on the line. It may be called into question. Doubts abound. It is a complicated and powerful issue in our culture. (Watch a few commercials on TV.) Exercise and physical health cuts through the doubts. Being physically healthy is sexy. You feel more sexual and you become more desirable.

5. Physical fitness is one of the first steps to becoming highly attractive and exerting your personal power. Once you believe and act attractive, the power of the relationship or marital crisis will lessen in your life. It actually might seem rather juvenile. Yes, there is more to attractiveness than looking great. But, we begin by honing our body, working it and caring for it. This builds the foundation for other forms of attractiveness and personal power.

6. You assume control. You may feel, as a result of the relationship crisis in your life, that you have little control or influence. It seems to become a waiting game. You wait for the other person. This other person or the situation seemingly dictates your every move and thought. You feel paralyzed. When you begin to move your body, you take control. Getting on a great exercise, fitness program makes you the master of that part of your life. You are in control. That feels good. That is good.

Beginning an exercise/fitness program in the midst of a relationship crisis is easier said than done. Usually we need support, encouragement or some sort of structure to get us moving. We have good intentions, but the follow through is lacking.

You have no further to look than online. There are great sites on the web that help you get started, offer encouragement and resources and keep you motivated and on track. Take advantage of these resources.

About The Author Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity. Visit his website at: http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com.

The Revenge Affair: Characteristics of the Adulterer – by: Dr. Robert Huizenga

“I Want to Get Back at Him/Her” is one of 6 kinds of affairs I outline in my E-book.

This is the “revenge affair.” It occurs in a marriage in which one feels slighted in some manner and seeks revenge by engaging in an affair.

It is less a movement toward the other person and more a movement away from one’s spouse. The offending spouse usually lacks the skills of personal confrontation or is frightened by the prospect of someone “getting upset.”

When evaluating this kind of affair, make a distinction between revenge and rage. Revenge is not rage. Rage comes from a different source, as outlined in one of the other kinds of affairs.

Here are some characteristics of the person who uses infidelity as revenge:

1. Usually is rather unpredictable and erratic in his behavior.

2. Has a hard time making decisions.

3. Is often impatient and irritable when things don’t go her way.

4. Some of the resentment seems to “seep out” along the edges, maybe when you least expect it.

5. Engages in teasing.

6. Can be stubborn and unyielding.

7. May often take oppositional view and pride himself on being contrary or taking an unpopular stance.

8. Can have moments of impulsive behavior and be labeled high-strung or tightly wired.

9. Has an underlying worldview that is pessimistic. Glass is half empty.

10. Has a tendency to wine or complain.

11. May have moments of sullenness and dejection.

12. Women may respond very intensely during their menstrual cycle. Men may appear very moody at certain times of the month.

13. Manipulates others with unpredictability and demandingness.

14. Family of origin often marked by factions and sibling rivalry.

15. Has difficulty with intimacy since her behavior patterns push people away.

If you are interested in learning about the 6 other forms of infidelity I outline in my book, “Break Free From the Affair,” visit my website.

About The Author Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity. Visit his website at: http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com.

Finding Your Ideal Partner? – by: Rick Valens

How would you describe the ideal girl of your dream?

“Oh, she has got to be beautiful with a nice figure, having a sweet and sexy voice, cheerful, gentle, considerate, kind-hearted, understanding, independent, musically inclined, share a common interest of mine, hmm… knows how to prepare nice food and… ”

Ok, that is enough. Now, do you think such a perfect person actually exists? Well maybe yes maybe not. But if everyone were to nevertheless, really have such a high expectations, love is certainly going to be hardly visible in the air. Don’t you think so too?

So, what makes an ideal partner then? Well before we go on, perhaps it might be good to know what an exact ideal partner are we discussing here? A dating partner or a marriage partner? Or has this question never even occurred to you before?

Ok, let us answer the question again separately. Hmm… maybe we shall get the girls to answer this time.

First question: How would you describe an ideal dating partner?

Common answers would include, “Dashing with a nice body, full of gentlemanliness, caring and considerate, having a good sense of humor, cheerful, fun loving, adventurous, full of fun and excitement, loves me dearly and etc”

Ok now the second question: How would you describe an ideal marriage partner?

Common answers would include, “Mature, got a sense of responsibility, cheerful, caring, understanding, honest, kind-hearted, having a financially stable income, knowledgeable, able to take good care of the family, loves me dearly and etc”

Notice the difference? An ideal dating partner and an ideal marriage partner is usually a very different person, perhaps just very a little in common I would say.

Well in a perfect case, an ideal partner should of course be best, both a dating and a marriage partner. Someone whom you enjoy dating, bringing you lots of fun, joy and excitements; at the same time someone whom is willing to share your problems and unhappiness, accepting all your negative habits and faults; committed to bringing you happiness.

But again, does such an ideal person exist? Can we really have both the pie and the cake? Think about it. Are we somehow setting too high an expectation? Unknowingly rejecting our chances? Losing the opportunity to be in love? Unknowingly bringing unhappiness to your relationship, yourself and your love? Hmm… well, do remember that we are afterall just talking about ideal here. Something, which is good to have, but not a must to have?

So before you are going to start complaining again that life is so unfair to you, ask yourself, “Have you really ever tried? Tried pursuing for happiness?”

Instead of always picking on your partner’s faults making life unhappy for both, have you tried looking at the other beautiful side of them, their beautiful qualities? Appreciating what you have already got? Tried improving on yourself instead, to becoming a better lover; a more ideal lover? Willing to open up yourself, giving both yourself and others a chance? Remember, what you expect of yours or your future partner is equally what he or she expects of you.

Going into a relationship is never a game. It is a long-term investment, an investment of love between the both of you. It is something which both have to genuinely think through and plan far. What would actually come after dating? Marriage is what I should suppose? Sharing the rest of your life, your future happiness with that special someone?

Well, if nothing were to go wrong in your relationship, your dating partner is eventually going to become your marriage partner, your life partner. Can I say so? Ok, to the girls, let me ask you a question. Would you share your happiness with someone that is full of fun and excitement to be with now, but deep down within yourself you know he is not going to be a good husband, someone who would not take good care of his family?

So again, what is your definition of an ideal partner? Someone whom truly love you, willing to share your problems and unhappiness or…? Well, the answer is within you. It has been with you all this while, only you can find the answer to this question. Your happiness belongs to you, nobody can decide for you. Be true to yourself, you should know what you really wants.

©2005 www.loveletterbox.com

About The Author Rick Valens Staff Writer for http://www.loveletterbox.com Love Relationship Discussion Forum Currently also freelance writer for http://www.ecemetery.org Monument of Eternal Memory NOTE: You’re free to republish this article on your website, in your newsletter, in your e-book or in other publications provided that the article is reproduced in its entirety, including the author information and all live website link as above.

To Love or Not to Love? – by: Rick Valens

Have you ever fallen in love with two different persons at the same time? Falling in love with two different persons whom both have the same feeling for you too? Well, there is actually nothing wrong with that. In fact I would say that it is something very normal, sometimes even falling for more than two persons for some.

We are afterall human beings, creatures of great emotions. It is just natural for one to develop a liking for the opposite sex, especially when the both are getting along very well. Sometimes, it is just so hard for us to control our feeling and nevertheless, it has always been human nature to be greedy. It is always good to be able to have the best of both worlds isn’t it? But well, things are usually just not possible. At the end of the day, you just have to make your choice, to decide for yourself, your one and only love whom that person to be.

To love or not to love, it is your choice. Think of it this way. In our path of life, we are always faced with choices. Choices that we have to make decisions over; decisions that will affect our life. At circumstances, even having to make immediate decision on the spot, decisions concerning of life and death. Sometimes we made the right decision and sometimes the wrong. But no matter what our decisions might have brought so far; we accepted them, didn’t we?

That is life. There is not way the world is going to stop moving just for you. To turn left or to turn right, to move forward or to turn back, you just have to make up your mind. I should believe that you will not choose to be stuck at the cross junction for your whole life?

Well, a game of chances and uncertainties life has nevertheless always been. If you never play you can never win. You have just got to make your choice, to decide where to place your bet. You can of course choose to give up, not to risk your bet. You always have your choice. Life is just so full of choices, remember? But well, will you later regret giving up that chance when you have it?

The same goes for love. Between the both, you just got to decide whom you really like more. Well, having choices is always better than not having any at all, right?

I should also believe that you are not going to give up that chance of even placing your bet? I know it is going to be hard but do just give yourself sometime. Follow where your heart goes. Between the both, there is definitely one whom you will actually like more.

Ok, just picture this scenario; there are this two musical concert, both a once in a lifetime concert. Missing it, you will never get the chance to see it again. You have been dying to catch the shows all these while. However for such a coincidence, they are been held at the same timing on the same day. Again, I suppose you will not just give up the chance of catching both shows altogether? Between the two, you will definitely choose one right?

Finally, to get to fully enjoy the show, which you had decided upon, you just got to forget about that disappointment from missing the other show. But well, more often than not, once you found yourself in the musical concert, chances are you will be totally captured by that spectacular ambience, enjoying yourself so much, totally forgotten about any disappointment that you earlier had.

Now where we are discussing about love, it is just the same. Many at times, we just can’t bear to give up on what we already have, struggling so hard within ourselves. In the end, we might jollywell end up with nothing at all. In life, we gain some we lose some. It’s no use holding on so hard to something, which you know will not come out with anything. When you have to give up, you have to. When you have to choose, you just have to.

Just like choosing between the two musical concerts, follow where your heart goes. Once you made up your mind, everything will just seem so much clearer. Slowly, your path of love will reveal its way for you. Will it lead to happiness for you? Well again, we wouldn’t know. But if we never try we will never know. At least, I should believe that you will be much happier than to be still stuck at the cross junction, lost for direction?

Remember, the world is not going to stop turning just for you. So is with love. The two persons will not just keep waiting for you. Wishy-washy? You might just end up with nothing at all.

Happiness won’t come passing by twice, cherish it when you have it.

©2005 www.loveletterbox.com

About The Author Rick Valens Staff Writer for http://www.loveletterbox.com Love Relationship Discussion Forum Currently also freelance writer for http://www.ecemetery.org Monument of Eternal Memory NOTE: You’re free to republish this article on your website, in your newsletter, in your e-book or in other publications provided that the article is reproduced in its entirety, including the author information and all live website link as above.

Filipina Dating::: A Wedding in the Philippines – by: Marc Madi

Centuries old Wedding traditions and wonderful Philippine customs make Filipina Weddings (Kasalan) some of the most beautiful wondrous celebrations on earth. The Filipino culture’s high regard for the sanctity of Marriage has given the Philippine Wedding Ceremony many customs and traditions that will be new to the American Gentlemen

Given the dollar peso exchange rate, if for no other reason it is a wise decision to have your wedding in the Philippines. Wedding Ceremony styles, Wedding Dresses, and receptions can differ widely in style and price, but all factors considered you will receive 10 times for your money what you could afford here in the United States.

In the traditional Filipina Wedding the groom is expected to burden all of the cost as opposed to American traditions were it is the Bride’s family that is responsible for wedding exspences. This has given way slightly to some couples sharing the cost as it has here also in the United States.

A few of the cost that will seem unexpected but are in keeping with Filipino Wedding traditions are

1. Hotel rooms for valued guest that journey from distant islands to attend your Wedding. In my case it was the VIPs such as her eldest brother and her Maid of honor

2. Transportation for all those who are to attend locally. We rented a large “Power Cruiser” (Bus) or what would be a fully customized bus complete with sound system and custom paint.

3. Bride’s Maids dresses and Barongs for the groom’s men are usually available for rent at the Wedding boutiques. Unlike here in the US where many of the Bride’s maids will purchase their own dress to keep after the Wedding. Some will not be able to afford the exspence and instead opt to rent them

As customary with Filipinas she will be wearing her wedding ring on the right hand and not the left as here in the United States. For the Filipina, the Bible has stated “the Son sits at the right hand of the Father”. So she will sit on the left and wear her ring on the right. This tradition completely blindsided me as I had already presented my fiancé’ with a beautiful engagement set and placed it on her left ring finger. Just 4 days before the wedding she explained to me I would need to buy her a wedding ring now for her right hand.

Filipino Wedding Ceremonies have some very wonderful traditions different from the typical Wedding Ceremonies here in the United States.

There will be 3 sets of sponsors for the wedding couple, Ninang (male) and Ninong (female). They are usually successful well respected couples choosen by the bride. They will have many task and responsibilities during the actual Wedding ceremony.

Veil Ceremony

The first set of sponsors are responsible for the pinning of the Bride’s Veil to the shoulder of the Groom. This is to symbolize the wedding couple’s clothes as one.

Cord Ceremony

The second set of sponsors will place the ceremonial wedding cord to “Tie” the Bride and Groom together during the actual Wedding ceremony. This is to symbolize the spiritual bonding of the 2 souls.

Candle Ceremony

Then the last pair of sponsors will light two candles on either side of a unity candle, which the wedding couple getting married light together.

Arrhae or 13 Golden Coin Ceremony

Lastly, the groom presents his bride the “Arrhea” also known as the 13 golden coins. The “Arrhae” has been blessed by the priest for a life of faithfulness and prosperity. The “Arrhae” and the Wedding Rings are usually carried by 2 small children, a boy and a girl during the wedding march. The Wedding Dress Couture or seamstres should also create 2 small matching pillows for the presentation of the Arrhae and Wedding Rings.

Do not worry about the cost of the “Arrhae” too much as I did. These are not actual Gold Coins. Often times token 13 golden coins “Arrhae” are provided almost free by the jewelery shop you buy the Wedding ring from in the Philippines

You will also find some Filipino superstitions associated with Wedding Ceremonies and Newlywed couples. The Bride will not wear her Wedding Dress before the ceremony or it will bring bad luck. Also if a bride wants her husband to agree to her every whim she will step on his foot on the way to the altar. This according to superstition will place him under her spell of“Lihi”.

One of the most distinctive qualities of a Filipina Wedding are the cathedrals. They are HUGE. Some capable of holding as many as 600 or 700 people. Often they are gigantic architectural wonders built of concrete and stone with huge arches and towering steeples some times 100s of years old. You would have trouble finding a comparable structure in the United States.

Wedding Receptions are also very affordable in the Philippines. My Wedding Reception included buffet catering for 75 persons, 2 cases wine, 4 cases soda pop, 3 Delux suites at the resort, banquet hall complete with DJ, a Lechon (whole roast pig) all at a luxury Beach front resort for less the $1000 Us dollars.

When we were finished with all the official toasting of the newly weds (about 3 hours), we simply asked the resort staff to move the whole party pool side where our reception lasted late into the night. Make no mistake about it Nothing can quite compare to Filipina Weddings and Wedding Receptions.

Article by Marc Madi. Social researcher, author and publisher. http://asiangf.net

About The Author Marc Madi. Social researcher, author and publisher. http://asiangf.net

Funny T-Shirts Make A Great Ice Breaker With Women – by: Spencer Powers

Throughout history men have tried every technique available to pick up women. Some guys use a straight forward approach and others use cheesy pick-up lines. Lately a new trend has been emerging that seems to work better for men than any traditional pick-up techniques. Men across the country have been wearing t-shirts with funny sayings on them to get women to flock to them. It sounds ridiculously simple but it works.

The reason that the shirts are so effective is because often a woman will have an interest in you but not how to let you know. By wearing a funny shirt you give them a reason to come talk to you. All they have to say is “I like your shirt” and let out a little chuckle and the conversation is started.

WittyShirts.com ( http://www.wittyshirts.com ) has a line of hilarious t-shirts that will have have women everywhere laughing hysterically upon reading them. Some of the standout shirts are:

“I went to a t-shirt shop and all I got was this lousy t-shirt”

“Your Dum”

“Procrastinators Anonymous: Meetings Start Tomorrow”

So instead of worrying so much about going to the gym and getting in shape, spending tons of money on expensive clothes and baking in the tanning salon, go out and grab yourself a few funny t-shirts – They work much better!

About The Author Spencer Powers is the Marketing Direct of WittyShirts.com ( http://www.wittyshirts.com ) and also Daterade.com ( http://www.Daterade.com )

Dating Advice: Three Mistakes to Avoid When Writing an Online Dating Service Profile – by: Chris Fox

After four years of reading more than 10,000 profiles of men and women looking for a partner through online dating services, I’ve laughed at my fair share of poorly written introductions.

Of those 10,000 online dating service profiles, no more than a dozen captured my attention enough to make the first move. I’m sure that you want to get lots of responses to your online dating service advertisement, or else why would you bother joining a site, and paying a small fee to meet new people? If that is the case, then make sure you avoid the following three mistakes at all costs:

Dating Advice Point 1. “I’m the One Your Mother Warned You About”

This is, from my research anyway, the most overused sentence in an opening line for online dating service profiles. True, it’s the generic choice of some of the larger sites (such as Lavalife or True) – if your profile is awaiting approval, this tag line may show up while waiting for the a-okay. To avoid this, come up with something a bit more original and unique. Bu what if you aren’t sure what that may be? Well, it’s not hard to take a look at your competition in the online dating service field, so why not do a quick search and see what everyone else is doing? Reading other people’s description of themselves may just get your creative juices flowing. At the very least, it’ll show you what everyone else is saying about themselves – and what key phrases and words you should therefore avoid in turn.

Dating Advice Point 2. “I Might Be the One you’re Looking For”

This may be the case. However, by using this combination of words anywhere in your online dating service profile, you aren’t telling me, or any other potential suitor, anything new.

What this line does say to someone checking you out is that the online dating service profiler didn’t do a lot of thinking about how they wanted to present themselves. Tell people what gets your eyes twinkling or what REALLY gets you up in the morning – and don’t say it’s your alarm clock, either. Now is the time to let your passions really shine through.

Dating Advice Point 3. Glaring Spelling or Grammatical Mistakes

This tip may seem childish, or trite – but it’s of the utmost importance. While chatting with someone online, you may have some fast typing or spelling mistakes that a potential suitor may find annoying. But until you get to that stage with someone, NO ONE should know that you’ve got dyslexia, or just can’t spell worth beans.

It shows a lot to a potential suitor while they peruse the online dating services that someone has taken the time to spell check their document. Hell, get a friend to read over it for you if need be in case you’ve missed something important. But if you cannot take the time to write something legible, most people perusing the online dating service websites will assume you won’t have time to bother doing other, more important small tasks. And when you only have a couple of seconds to make that first impression before someone clicks on another person – every single details counts.

About The Author Chris Fox To Get Even More Free Dating Advice Visit http://www.DatingAdvice.ws.

A Guide To Dating – by: Jeff Lakie

People in long-term relationships, whether they are married or dating, often complain about getting into a rut. Your relationship may have started off with the great burst of passion and excitement but perhaps it began to wane because life is busy and work can where you out by the end of the day.

If you’re in a dating relationship that seems to be in a rut, or wonder why you can’t keep a long term relationship exciting anymore, perhaps you need to go back to the beginning. That doesn’t mean you need to break up with your current partner and find someone new, it means you need to refresh the relationship with exciting and spontaneous activities.

When you look back on a period of your life, what is it that you remember? Is it the average day-in, day-out activities? Not likely. It is more likely those fun and spur-of-the-moment times when you did things that were hilarious or scary or new. That’s what it means to go back to the beginning of a relationship, when everything you do is spontaneous and new.

Next time you and your girlfriend or boyfriend are deciding to do something on Friday, don’t settle for dinner-and-a-movie. Do something different! Here are some ideas:

• Play paintball
• Rent a classic car
• Go skydiving
• Have a picnic

Or surprise your date with something spontaneous:

• Start a water fight
• Go for a romantic boat ride and tip the boat
• Blindfold your date and take them somewhere they never been
• Surprise your date at work just as they’re finishing up for the day

Relationships fail for many reasons. One of the saddest reasons is that people simply drift apart because the other person doesn’t excite them anymore. It doesn’t have to be that you’re your relationship, whether dating or married, can thrive when it is filled with adventures that the two of you share as you build memories together.

You’ll look back on your time together with fondness as you consider the many fun and spontaneous things you did together. But doing those things is a choice. Choose to return to the beginning of your relationship and have fun again!

About The Author Jeff Lakie is the founder of http://www.my-adult-dating.info and http://www.my-personal-ads.info websites providing information on Dating.

Dating Tips: Attract Women And Make Your Dates Effective And Unforgettable – by: Giuseppe Notte

You are on the first date with a girl you have a crush on. Your palms are sweating, you are trying damn hard to come up with something funny to say, only to have long silences in your conversation. She gets up after an hour and says: “Sorry but it’s getting late. I have to go home to feed my dog.” Before you could say something, she has left already.

I’m sure the above situation has come up in your worst nightmares. The most crucial part of your interactions and the key to success with women is the first date. If you do it well, it will be easy to get down and dirty quickly.

Most guys do something boring on the first date. Going to the movies together, sitting at a cafe, having an expensive dinner at a restaurant – the list is endless. It’s easy to use this to your advantage: by putting in a little bit of fantasy, you will be way ahead of the crowd.

Here is how:

When I go out with a woman, I take her on an “adventure date”. This word has multiple meanings, as you will see. We do something exciting and romantic in the same time. Something that brings you as close as it’s possible on a first date.

Let’s see an example:

A friend of mine takes his girls on an exciting outing. They visit one of the local sightseeing locations and end up at an abandoned ruin of a castle. By then it’s usually getting dark – don’t worry though, my friend is there to hug and provide safety for our just-a-little-bit frightened girl

Another example:

We have a hill in my city with a castle and some monuments on the top. There is a tunnel crossing the hill. A tunnel, which ends in a bridge. The bridge is illuminated at night giving a wonderful sight.

Usually, I take my date on a short walk among the monuments. As it is getting dark, we go on a tiny little road down the hill. A road, which leads us to a place that only a few people know: the top of the tunnel. And below us it’s the entire city giving a wonderful and romantic sight. This is the point where I go in for the first kiss with the girl.

Don’t think that you need special places or monuments to go on adventure dates. You can even do them indoors:

When the weather doesn’t allow going outside, I bring my girls to the local shopping center. We sit to a cafe and talk a bit. Then I stand up and invite them for a walk around. We visit a few shops while shopping some clothes for me. Then we play bowling or go to the local bookstore. It’s funny to laugh at the various love and sex advice books together with the girl.

The above are just examples, it’s easy to come up with your own ideas. All you need is a little bit of fantasy and to know your city a little. Check out a local city guide paper for some examples or ask a friend who knows.

The key of adventure dates is not in the adventure itself, but in sharing activities with the girl. If you sit to a cafe and stay there for 4 hours, it will be nothing more than a conventional date. But if you sit to a cafe, then visit other places as well while being together, she will lose her sense of time and feel like you’ve known each other for a while. In that state, it’s much easier to go in for the first kiss and get further.

About The Author Giuseppe Notte has created “All About Women”, the *ultimate* guide on turning YOU, the average guy into a sex-magnet who gets the most beautiful girls – whether you are fat, ugly, bald, young or broke! http://www.Seduction-and-Dating.com

10 Fatal Traps You Must Avoid to Maintain a Harmonious and Healthy Relationship – by: Ivan Greindl

(Because violence or infidelity are not the only ones…)

1. « Making a mountain out of a molehill »

Do you want to live in peace with your beloved? Then, first, control yourself. Loosing your temper, showing constant anger, or shouting for pointless reasons is obviously very harmful. Try to throw back quarrelsome, authoritarian attitudes: you can contain your reactions: stop being so sensible (or hypersensitive, if you prefer) at the slightest contrariety. In particular, distrust your interpretations : immediately assigning a negative meaning to a sentence, a gesture which you didn’t understand well, leads to misunderstandings – which kills off your agreement. Means # 1 to break your love relationship: aggressiveness and verbal violence.

2. « Unjustified attacks of jealousy »

Is your wife always attracting men’s attention? Faint flattering whisperings? Admiring, if not always discreet, comments? Feel flattered ! Keep smiling ! It is a tribute to you, one more proof of your good taste, of the good choice you have made. And, especially don’t hold it against her. Do not blame her for a ‘provocative’ attitude: charm and beauty reveal themselves even in the most modest women’s behavior. As for you, Lady, if ‘he’ unconsciously turns his gaze to a passing young lady, do not take this gesture of innocent admiration as a harbinger of adultery! Do not ask him : ‘- Do you want her photo?? ’ He wouldn’t understand you or would find you unfair. Means # 2 to kill your love relationship: unmotivated jealousy.

3. « Ignoring the omnipresent dangers of routine »

Thanks to your steady efforts, you have seduced your beloved, you have ‘conquered’ him/her. One day, you decided to join your fates. Marvelous! At least, at the beginning … Why thus would you take the risk of loosening the pressure? Of stopping your efforts? They are the key to your happiness! Never forget to continue: just as all you wish to see going on long enough (your house, your garden, your car) -, you’ll have to take care of your love. Think, each of you, of making small unforeseen and frequent pleasures to your beloved, to have some attentions for them, to express your tenderness, to break the daily rut by a touch of excitement. Among others, in your moments of intimacy. Means # 3 to certainly break your couple’s harmony: to let yourselves being trapped by routine !

4. « Giving top priority to your work, over your couple and/or your family »

This error is more usually a men’s one, — and often unintentional. A way to put this problem right is to share activities and fields of interest with your beloved and both of you, with your children. Another additional way is to fix appointments with your partner and to respect them. This way, you demonstrate the importance and the place you grant him/her in your life. According to your profession, customers, patients, students, shareholders or seniors colleagues do not always have to pass before your couple ! In order to live a long-lasting relationship, you have to remain available for your couple. To work for living? Well, yes: one too often needs to. But, to live for working work? NO : please, live to love, to bring moments of happiness to your beloved ones, to create! Means # 4 to destroy your life as a couple: to forget your true priorities.

5. « Letting dialogue fade, losing true communication »

Many couples share the same bed, certain meals, TV programs; they sometimes go out together. But, they’re not always lucky enough to share a purpose, fields of interest or higher values. Therefore, each of them pursues their own life, their own personal fate, only attentive to their own concerns, preoccupations or interests. By speaking less and less together, they stop sharing ; there are no more exchanges ; their roads, formerly convergent or parallel, eventually move apart. Without any more true communication, their couple imperceptibly loses any real contact. Means # 5 to disintegrate a couple: to imitate these old pairs whom you sometimes see at restaurants: they’re facing each other, indifferent one to another; they don’t look at each other anymore, don’t speak to each other anymore. (What could they say?) How cruel and distressing!

6. « To let yourself go to make comparisons… »

Obviously, your ‘ex’ (or someone among your acquaintances) said or did certain things better; was more this, less that: « (s)he, ‘at least’ … » Who is perfect on Earth? If you sometimes make a comparison, then only make positive ones. Otherwise keep for yourself your disappointed, bitter or disenchanted reflections. Obviously, we agree, you and me: to gather in the same person the tenderness and the kindness of your N°1; the sensuality of your N°2; the ‘class’ of N° 3; the cheerfulness and practical intelligence of an office colleague, – would certainly be ideal : a truly delicious miracle. Well! In fact, you can work this miracle, – by setting the example! You particularly appreciated these qualities in the past? Maybe during a previous relationship? By showing them yourself, you’ll fast discover how contagious they are: “Give and thou will receive!” Take advantage of it to explain to your beloved what would please you; express your expectations, without vain shyness; speak to them about your desires. Keep in mind that you chose your partner; the qualities they’re missing are probably compensated by others. Your tenderness, your encouragements, your frequent concern to value him / her, will round angles, making these comparisons soon become useless. Means # 6 to make ‘creak the springs’ of your relationship: not being able to refrain from comparing (aloud).

7. « Calling your children to witness »

All couples sometimes face difficult moments, arguing occasionally, exchanging reproaches, – in all or in part, justified. These are adults’ concerns ! Involving your children, even unintentionally, hurts them. Besides, this is the easy way to raise, bit by bit, a wall of incomprehension, of “un-love” and soon, of hatred: between the partners and later between them (or one of them) and their children. You certainly feel this is not a good way to manage a healthy couple’s relationship. Means # 7 to break up your couple: directly or indirectly blackening the image of the other parent in the eyes of your children. Witnesses of situations or facts, the implications, the origin or the motive of which they cannot understand, how could they judge them clearly?

8. « A quite inopportune haste »

If you have acknowledged the happiness to live a passionate relationship (at least at the beginning…), you will remember these delicious moments during which you were both active, and which both of you loved to prolong. Alas, time passes; concerns accumulate; your children, your work, your various responsibilities ‘devour’ every minute of your time. Soon, these embraces which, since always, have plunged those who love each other in shared delights, are abbreviated and then become less frequent. It even happens to these lovers, to forget to take time for the ‘after’ tenderness-cuddle ! They don’t take time anymore to give each other some compliments, some words of love; to exchange small positive messages in order to remind themselves how much they love each other, how much they value their relationship, how much they appreciate each other’s presence. Means # 8 to slide on the slippery slope of a break-up: « Hurry ! » Fulfilling embraces are an essential food for your tenderness. And – you know it – to make love the nice way, it’s necessary to take plenty of time. To hurry at these moments is hurrying the outbreak of tensions. 9. « Being too often untidy-looking »

Hygiene and body care dashed off, a constant disorder, indifferent dress sense, excess weight perfectly disdained …: there are so many ways of letting your partner guess that you hardly care to please them. Heavy error: carelessness marks a lack of consideration to your better half, and this can hurt them deeply. Respecting oneself and the Other also involves slight concessions connected to one’s own look: the image which one gives of oneself has to be positive. This quality not only has to be considered a female one. Men often lose sight that women too like to be at the arm or in the company of a partner of whom they feel legitimately proud. Means # 9 for enticing your partner to imperceptibly begin to “look around”, – becoming more vulnerable to temptation: making no effort anymore to look neat for them. To have got married and settled down doesn’t guarantee fidelity for life; to believe it would be giving evidence of naivety.

10. « Show yourself possessive »

Living as a couple can’t be a chain. You want to continue to feel well together? For a long time? Well, your beloved is not a child anymore: give them a free rein, rely on them ! Each partner in a relationship has to preserve at least a part of their personal life, of their opinions, of their tastes. Always imposing on your partner your own way of life is a constraint which is not acceptable anymore in our time. Living together never means surrendering one’s own personality; having to comply in all with the desires and requirements of the other is, on the contrary, a very effective way to awaken feelings of rebellion. This leads one to become secretive, it leads to lies and unfaithfulness. Important decisions imperatively have to be taken together. (In the West at least, we can take this luck for – theoretically – granted.) To live a harmonious relationship naturally involves common activities and relations, sharing a social life, solidarity in the face of tasks and responsibilities, an ideal, a fulfilling tenderness, etc. From that point to never losing sight of your better half, to keeping a constant watch on them – even if it is sometimes unconscious -, there is a big step. It is essential not to cross that line. Means # 10 to ruin your relationship: completely restrain her / his independence, keep her / him “under your heel”. Your better half is a whole human person. As such, (s)he appreciates to be with you, – not to you. (At least, in current daily life.)

You can take my word for it : implementing these suggestions will lead your couple towards harmony and preserve it from a lot of nuisance.

About The Author Ivan Greindl is the author of the well-known method : « How to Boooost Your Love Life – 60 Simple Ways for Results in 8 Days » For any information (in English or French), please visit: http://4yourcouple.com (c) 2005 by Ivan P. Greindl